Creating Security

I was having trouble sleeping last night. And no, not because it was too unbearably hot-it had been a very warm day, but there was a slight breeze coming in the window that was gradually cooling the room. And no, not because the wedding I attended had me thinking about the beauty of love.

I had trouble sleeping because it was too warm to use my quilt. It was one of those nights to sleep without covers. But that doesn’t work for me. Let me explain.

When I was a small child, I lived in a house with a back lane. In my back yard, there was a telephone pole. At night, when it was dark, cars would travel down the back lane, and the light from their headlights would shine on my ceiling. As the car moved down the backlane, the shadow of the hydro pole would travel across the ceiling. The movement on the ceiling seemed monstrous, horrifyingly attacking, and it created gut wrenching terror in my little belly.

I was convinced this combination of light and shadows would be the end of me. Although my parents explained that it was the shadows and headlights and was harmless, it was irrelevant. I was terrified anyways. I don’t think it was that I didn’t believe them when they explained what it was. I think it was more that I thought they were out of touch in not realizing the danger of these dancing monster lights and shadows on the ceiling. I mean, they were parents and all, so how could they possibly understand how very frightening my little world was.

But these monstrous shadows and lights came nightly, and with parents who, after providing reassurance, left me to be in this terrifying situation on my own, I was left to my own devices to figure out a strategy to deal with this. I was genuinely frightened night after night, and as there was no immediate solution with someone helping me, I was going to have to figure it out myself.

I found that if I pulled the cover up over my ears, I could feel the weight of the blanket on my head, and it kept me safe. I suspect it also helped to shield my eyes from the ceiling’s dangerous light dance, rather like a brim on a baseball cap. In any case, as a very young child, I associated comfort and safety by having the weight of a comforter well up on my head.

Problem is, that is still my cue to fall asleep…the weight of a comforter on my head. I’m loooong past worrying about dancing lights on the ceiling coming to get me. It had been a long time since I thought of those days. When I go to bed now, I don’t think about needing to cover my ears with a blanket so the monsters I used to be scared of won’t hurt me. See, when I want to fall asleep, I automatically pull the blanket up over my ears without planning it or thinking about it. I just do it. That’s the natural thing for me to do. I don’t think about it, I’m not aware of it. It’s a long standing pattern of falling asleep. I don’t cover my ear with a quilt because of the monster, I cover my ear with a quilt so that I can fall asleep.

So, last night I lay in bed working to fall asleep, wondering how I could accomplish not overheating myself under a heavy quilt but still feeling the way I need to feel to fall asleep. Don’t suggest a light sheet…sheets don’t work…too light. I wrestle with this annually, and I resorted to the tried and true method, (that I rediscover every summer) which might look a little odd, but no one is looking: The quilt is behind me in the middle of the bed, and I sleep without covers EXCEPT for the corner of the quilt which is pulled up over my shoulder to cover my ear. It worked.

It reminds me of how we all have patterns we use which we learned in childhood. Patterns which arose out of a certain situation, and worked well there. They served their original purpose, and allowed us, as children, a way to establish safety and security for ourselves. And. They. Worked.

Then.

They were important strategies for us to use as children as we sought to survive in a big and scary world. Sometimes, our fears were real, but the threat wasn’t (like the moving lights and shadows on my ceiling).

Other times, the fears and the threats were real…alcoholic parents, an uncle who was uncomfortably friendly, or a parent who left and stopped living with you. There were things you did to cope which worked. However, those coping patterns become a habit because they feel good, are comfortable and provide security. You continue to use them, without even knowing that you have them. You use them because they give you a feeling of safety-without even realizing that you do is “this” way, rather than “that” way.

At some point though (like for me when it was quite warm last night) the way you naturally do something becomes a problem and it no longer works. And that is when the challenge rises to free yourself from what you’ve always done, to a greater variety of strategies.

• a best friend died when you were a child, and you remembered how much it hurt. You decided to never let someone get that close to you so that you couldn’t get hurt like that again. Only as the years pass by, you notice that sometimes it feels lonely
• someone on the playground gave you a compliment, but in a mocking way. You misunderstood at first and thought it was genuine. It seemed like everyone was laughing at you for you actually thinking that he thought you were pretty. Now you can’t take a compliment if your life depends on it.
• When your dad yelled, he swung. You learned that the hard way, and were very good at ducking. Now, when anyone raises their voice, you shrink from the conversation and do your best to exit the situation. This is a bit of a problem because your boss says you have every quality to be promoted except dealing with conflict.

Sometimes the root is obvious and a person is conscious of it. Sometimes…well sometimes, not so much. Sometimes it takes a little pondering to start to understand the root cause of a behavior. Kinda like taking a car in for repair when it is making a strange noise…addressing the problem once you know what is causing it makes it easier.

Last night, as I was trying to figure out why I was having trouble sleeping, I realized it was the “blanket over the ears” that was causing the problem. Once I realized that I didn’t have to have the blanket over my whole body (which would have cooked me to well done last night), I made a goofy looking adaptation and it worked!

I’ve helped people similarly…

• someone discovers she hates winter at 5:00 not because that is when her husband comes home from work (which was the only thinking at the time), but because that is dusk and that creates a feeling inside of her that is noxious. It was at dusk that she had been assaulted.
• someone feels like he is spending too much time with his girlfriend…he wonders if he should be using that as a cue to break up. Then we explore and discover that what really is the issue is that the amount of time he is spending with his parents has been drastically cut because of this relationship. His parents are an important part of his stability and well being. He is relieved to know that he will feel better when he spends more time with them. Breaking up with his girlfriend is not necessary.

You get the picture. When your body is trying to tell you something, listen carefully, and allow yourself to choose an optimal strategy.