Text Arguing

I was talking with Nicole Dube of Global News today as she was doing a piece on fighting via SMS/text messaging. She let me know that recent stats suggest that cellular devices are now being used more for texting than for voice communication (aka “talking on the phone”).

That means that cell phones are being used more for short telegraphic 140 character messages than for real conversations. Conversations with laughter, anger, tears, warmth, distance coldness, varying volume, hurt in the voice, pure joy in the voice. Now…just words in print.

Instead brief half sentence conversations that don’t give any indication other than the words themselves about the context—the mood of the speaker, then intention of the communication, the spirit behind the message.

Talk about being set up to be misunderstood, huh? And we’re doing more and more of it all
the time.

As we talked about the issue of fighting via texting, we quickly identified several issues:

• How easy it is to be misunderstood: So much of conversation is non verbal…what is said in between the words. The “how” of what is being talked about, not just the “what”. When I argue with someone face to face, I can see how the other person responds to what I say, they can hear how I say it—when my voice gets quiet, when I am upset or teary, how much energy my body carries. When I argue with someone on the phone—something I avoid doing, I can’t check with them to see how they are hearing me, what their response is. And while they can hear my voice inflections, they miss so much of how I’m trying to say something. With text, even that is lost. Nicole talked about sitting down with friends trying to guess at what a text “really means”
• The clumsiness of telegraphic communication: Trying to explain something in a message that fits into a text is like trying to draw a detailed picture with one of those big fat crayons. While the crayon isn’t useless, it doesn’t color in the lines very well, you can’t draw detail, and subtle nuances are impossible. Ditto for texts.
• Easy doesn’t mean more effective: It’s easy to be honest, even brutally honest in a text. People can text things they would never say if they were looking at the recipient in the eye. It’s easy to say what you mean when you can do it without having to watch the other’s reactions, and you can ignore their response for as long as you want. But does this work? I haven’t met a person yet who finds texting more effective than talking with each other when it comes to real communication. Texting is an easy way out to say what needs to be said—but quite frankly, won’t work nearly as well. It takes guts and courage to bring up a sensitive topic in a face to face conversation—but generally in life, isn’t the payoff comparable in size to the investment? Texts are great to ask hubby to pick up milk, but not to deal with a relationship issue.
• Texting can stunt relationship skill development: One of the greatest gift parents can give their children is a stable home with 2 parents who are in a loving committed relationship. Those relationships require a skill set where each partner has learned to collaborate, negotiate, communicate effectively even when upset, express love openly and honestly, etc. etc. Marriages like this required effective communicators—and that requires lots of practice in real situations in real relationships all during childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Texting can rob people of the chance to be fully present with one human being and really connect them, even when difficult—to follow a conversation through, to see the effect of one’s behavior on another. The ability to relate effectively to someone in the intensity of an intimate relationships develops over years and lots of practice—texting can take away from those opportunities to practice.
• Texting cheats the recipient of a full response: When you text someone in an argument, they respond…and the venue of texting constricts their answer in a way that likely won’t allow a full explanation that allows the other to feel heard and understood.

Real conversations of meaning and depth don’t generally work
by text. The tough stuff is tough enough without the confusion and brevity of texting. Save texting for simple
tasks and unambiguous support and encouragement. Save the tough stuff for when you can look each other in the
eye.