Active Listening

I was at a conference, Stay Ahead of the Electronic Curve, yesterday that looked at how business can use the internet more effectively. It was a really helpful day for me to learn how to help potential customers get to know us and how we can better serve the public.

As someone who runs a counselling practice, it’s something I’m interested in: how can we use the internet to more effectively help people relate to each other and themselves?

At the opening of the Conference, the president of the Manitoba Marketing Association reminded us that
we would likely only remember about 2% of what we heard during the day. However, if we did 3 things:

1. write good notes
2. write down questions as they occurred
3. write down one or two “action plans”—something that we would do as result of being at the conference

we, as attenders, would increase our retention of the information to about 25%.

That’s a substantial difference. I put valuable resources of time and finances into this, and decided to take this seriously.

So I wrote notes, and when they said something that seemed like it would be helpful for me to check into, I write a note about I needed to investigate or try when I got home. It was a subtle but important shift—now I was listening with ears that were trying to figure out how this meant something to me. I found it easier to stay “plugged into” the talks.

I got to thinking how little of regular conversations we tune into, how we can be nodding and smiling but really have little retention of a conversation with someone that is meaningful in our lives.

All too often when I work with couples, I see that one feels unheard in the relationship, which leads to feeling devalued, minimized, unimportant. That takes a huge toll on the relationship. There may be many good reasons for not being 100% listening to your partner, but generally the effect is the same…your partner feels lousy about themselves, you and the relationship.

So I’m wondering if the same things could apply…if your spouse says, “We gotta talk” and you know it’s big. What would it be like to pay attention to asking good questions, , maybe even writing notes—on a computer, or a notebook, coming up with ideas that will make a difference as a result of the conversation. I’m talking really taking seriously what is happening—demonstrating to the love of your life that s/he is the most important person in your world, that you are taking seriously the content of every sentence. Can you imagine the powerful effect of that demeanor in the conversation? That alone would change the tone in a powerful way.

I had a really productive evening last night, implementing several tiny changes. More projects are on the list. I had a productive day. It worked for me.

Listen to each other. Please.