I often learn more by watching, observation, and experience, than by hearing a principle being taught. This week I’ve watched and learned about the incredible ability to hold life’s experience in balance and tension. I’ve admired people as, several times this week, I’ve witnessed individuals being able to hold both tragedy, struggle, joy and delight simultaneously.
Not everyone can…some can see only the loss in life, and miss the opportunities to see beauty, redemption, humor in our world, which is almost always present in our world. Instead only the ugly darkness of failure, disappointment, and tragedy is seen. Darkness persists and perspective is elusive. Candles in the darkness are overlooked. Candlelight will dismissed, even ignored, with focus being exclusively on the darkness.
Others, even in the midst of extreme difficulty, have a cheerful outlook that minimizes the pain and doesn’t allow for grief and pain. They take away other’s ability to be sad around them as they focus only on the sunshine and the flowers, and not able to hold anger or disappointment in an authentic way. The smile seems na ve or false somehow. Chirpiness that seems out of place and hollow.
Some can hold the tension of both:
What I’ve witnessed this week:
–Midtown Carwash is a hard place to get to these days…they clean a car up just great, but it’s located near “Confusion Corner” to begin with…add in major road construction, and it takes (for me anyways) an unexpected detour into downtown to turn around and then try and retry to guess at the correct back roads to get there. When I paid, I commiserated with the owner about what business must be like. He acknowledged the hit his business has had…how many less cars they’ve washed—and it was a lot. The two day project has stretched into a week because of unexpected findings under the road. Just as I prepared myself to hear another speech about how awful the city is with summer construction, and to hear civil workers being criticized for laziness (we’ve all heard this rant many times), he says: “The guys though, they’ve been working incredibly hard…I admire what they are doing to get this project done”…able to see the effort even amongst the frustrating delays. The tension of frustration vs recognition of effort and good will of the other. Wow.
-a friend is looking for a job, rather than preparing for the birth of their baby. After the pregnancy loss, a return to work makes sense, even though her enthusiasm for job hunting competes for energy with her grief of late pregnancy loss. She is again disappointed at the job she really wanted didn’t happen, but is thankful that she received support from her husband to keep looking rather than accept a well paying but “soul sucking” job that was available. She has optimism that she’ll find something that makes going back to work worthwhile, even as she is quickly near tears when she thinks about the baby room that won’t soon be filled.
-I bumped into an acquaintance at the baseball game yesterday. She was there with her sister—her husband in hospital again. Complications from serious cancer have interrupted their summer. She lamented about the resistant infection and the violent reactions to chemotherapy, but celebrated the good days in between and is looking forward to a cabin getaway closeby that friends have provided. She expresses cheerful gratitude even as she laments seeing him struggle and the entire family affected.
It’s not easy to hold both realities as valid parts of experiencing life at the same time. But those that do teach me much—I am drawn to their vulnerability and I find their ability to engage with joys of life in the midst of the real struggles attractive to be around.
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