I thought I’d try listening to a book on CD while I was driving in the car. The library had “Audition” by Barbara Walters
I’ve been listening to Audition by Barbara Walters on CD while I’ve been driving in the car lately. I was struck by how ordinary some of her story was, even amongst the extraordinary bits of interviews with world leaders and leading entertainment figures.
Her memoir is entitled “Audition” because of her feeling that she was always performing, hoping that she would “make it” with others, be accepted, or be allowed to continue working. Reminds me of when I hear people say, “I don’t feel like I can relax and be me. I feel like I’m performing when I’m around people”.
Barbara grew up as the little sister of a Jackie, a developmentally delayed girl. Jackie was kept at home, had a stuttering problem, and had no social network of her own. Barbara had no birthday parties and rarely had friends over out of a family perception that Jackie wouldn’t be understood and the entire family would be judged. The social environment of that time was inclusive of people with different abilities and in protecting Jackie from critical and curious eyes, they fell into a position of hiding her and then feeling like they had something to hide..
Later on, when she was older, she would be asked to take Jackie with her on a date or out with friends, because her mother saw Jackie as exceedingly lonely. Barbara was in a “double bind”—take her along and feel ashamed and embarassed, or leave her at home and feel ashamed and guilty. No win—Barbara felt awful either way.
Barbara studied acting in college—her dad got her an audition with a major play. Barbara was excited until a few days before when she realized that she might try out and not get the part. Out of a feeling that she couldn’t handle the shame and rejection of a failed audition, she didn’t even attend it—she was too anxious about it not turning out well. Reminds me of when I hear people want something, but the fear of failure (and the underlying assumption of how that is an intolerable judgement on one’s own character) stops them from even trying.
Although she is not nervous in interviews with famous people (having grown up with celebrities in her home at times because of her father’s occupation—and having seen how they are human and struggling like everyone else), she does work herself incredibly hard, taking on huge tasks of multiple assignments. The reason? Anticipating that at any time, it would all end, and she would be unemployed—feeling the pressure to make money while she can. She didn’t trust herself to remain gainfully employed over the long term.
This is Barbara Walters, one of the best known interviewers of our time—and she fears unemployment—it shapes her life. The weight of knowing she must provide for her vulnerable sister always and the insecurity she has in her ability do so is what she describes, is the defining factor. “Self esteem” doesn’t come up once (so far-I haven’t finished it) in this memoir, but there are ways in which this uber confident professional woman struggles with the way she sees herself personally.
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