I realize it is after Mother’s Day, but I came across an article today about step mothers. Carolyn McTighe interviewed me a while back about step mothering, and how step mothers can handle a tricky day like Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is a tough one for step mothers…step mothers care about the kids, but the child is often focused on biological mom. They want to be celebrated, and their efforts merit aknowledgement, but loyalty is a fickle quality, and so it can be a hurtful. There are no easy answers.

As seen in the Welland Tribune:

Loving step mom

Posted By CAROLYN MCTIGHE, SPECIAL TO SUN MEDIA

Mother’s Day is no longer a day exclusively for mom. In a culture where nearly 40% of all marriages end in divorce, stepmothers are becoming a regular part of many families.

Finding a way to celebrate Mother’s Day without overshadowing mom may seem like a difficult task, but when handled in just the right way, can actually lead to closer connections between a stepmother and her stepchildren.

Carolyn Bergen, a Winnipegbased family, marriage and children’s therapist, believes that it is important that stepmothers tread lightly when planning Mother’s Day celebrations.

Expecting too much from your stepchildren and not having realistic goals, will only result in resentment and hurt feelings.

“Step moms need to remember it is not a generic child with a generic stepmother celebrating a Hallmark moment as prescribed by society,” says Bergen.

“These are real kids who have quirks and beautifully unique characteristics. Every situation is different, every child is different – marking that day will be unique to each family.

“I would encourage women to be realistic about that day, and allow it to be unique, rather than meet some presupposed image of what our culture idealizes Mother’s Day should be.”

Understanding that not every child will feel comfortable celebrating Mother’s Day with their stepmother, is a good first step in making the holiday less stressful for everyone in the family.

Children may feel they are being disloyal to their birth mother when celebrating Mother’s Day with their stepmother.

“A child is hardwired to love and have loyalty to the woman who brought them into this world — a connection that is powerful and something that if the step mom tries to minimize, she will likely regret,” Bergen says.

“Knowing some of this may allow a new woman in the household to feel OK about having a less-than-enthusiastic welcome. Everyone needs to be acknowledged, and motherhood is often recognized as the hardest job in the world — step-mothering is all of regular mothering plus the added layers of complexity with a child balancing memories and times with a biological mom. Insisting on [Mother’s Day] being celebrated rings hollow.”

Taking on the responsibility of celebrating Mother’s Day yourself, or placing that responsibility squarely on the shoulders of your stepchildren, is something Bergen strongly urges stepmothers to avoid.

“I think the husband and the children’s biological father, has an important role here,” she says. “Dad may want to check in with the child to see if they would like to do something for the step mom, without any pressure or expectations to do so.

“I would suggest that when a woman in the role of parenting a child not biologically hers deserves and would benefit from recognition for her efforts, her husband can buy the roses, and take her out for the dinner, and buy her the diamonds.

“It is difficult work raising a child– and with the added complexities of it not being a biological one — those efforts certainly do need to be acknowledged and celebrated.”

Starting small and easing your way into Mother’s Day will help to create traditions that both you and your stepchildren can build upon. It is important that Mother’s Day is handle tenderly, in order to ensure it does not become a day dreaded by everyone.

“A step mom can make Mother’s Day special for the child by helping (when the situation allows for it) the child to prepare a special day for the biological mom, helping glue the stuff on the card or making the sandwiches for the picnic,” says Bergen.

“In other words, actively giving her blessing for the child to love his or her mom.”

Blending families is a process that requires years, as the small day to day connections are tentatively explored, refined, tested, affirmed, modified, and solidified. Blended families can gel successfully when children feel their reservations are heard, their resistance to blending is respected, and the new parental couple finds ways to meaningfully connect with the children without needing or insisting that they conform to some preconceived notion of behavior.

Blending families requires courage, and occasionally, some external support as the tricky route of joining families is negotiated. Kudos to those of you who embark on this voyage with humor, respect, and openness.